I tend to make a mess of things, can you relate?
I have a real problem of letting things bother me so bad that they eat away at my core. I tend to sweat the small stuff. My whole day gets thrown off and I can’t concentrate on anything else. I overthink, boy do I overthink. Every negative and worst case scenario runs through my mind. I get really frustrated with almost everyone who talks to me. I get extremely frustrated with myself and find a way to blame myself for something. There are some really bad days and I struggle. I need someone to pick me up, to tell me it’s going to be okay. I need to vent over and over again and still yet somehow I feel incomplete, until a true resolution is found and I can figure out how to cope.
I tend to do this when things don’t go my way, when plans fail, when my food that I had been cooking for hours falls all over the floor, when I fail at something, or when someone says something that is hurtful to me. I can’t think, I immediately break down and cry and I feel lost and hopeless. I stress myself out so much when the situation probably isn’t so bad. For so many years, I was told that I overreact and that my feelings were not valid. So I really struggle today to scrutinize every word that I say for fear of receiving similar feedback. I don’t want to be a burden, so sometimes, unfortunately, I hold it in.
I often feel like a mess, my life is even messier, my brain and heart like to get into fights, I am light-years away from perfect, and I never want to even touch the surface of knowing what perfect is. But this is me. Even on days when it hurts, I have to know and love the fact that this is me. I have to know I now have understanding in my life from others and I have to know to not hold back my feelings for fear of them not being seen as valid by others. Holding in your thoughts, your fears and your emotions does nothing but cause more harm to your overall state of mental wellness.
On days like this, I like to find some space and breathe. I like to write down everything I am feeling, which is why blogging is not only a passion of mine, it is also therapeutic. When I write down how I feel, I feel lighter. It is like I am screaming at the person or situation, but in a healthy way. I am able to say how I feel and be unapologetically me. I am able to state my frustrations and my fears and every single time, in the midst of my writing and editing, I always, always learn something new about myself or the situation. Writing helps to open up my eyes to what is really happening, to let me know that maybe the situation isn’t so bad after all. Writing reminds me that everything happens for a reason and whatever the situation, no matter how bad, was given to me for a reason to help me to grow. Whatever is happening didn’t happen to me, it happened for me. It happened for me to know how to handle a similar situation better next time. It happened for me to slow down more often, breathe more often, be patient more often. It happened for me to accept that things won’t always go my way but that most likely, there are better things coming, better than my original plans that I had envisioned.
I write because when I started writing this post, I was having a pretty bad day and trying to find the fine line between being there for myself, yet not needing or depending on someone to make it better is really hard. I came from years of depending on someone, and grew into a period of time where I was figuring everything out more so on my own, and I don’t believe that either extreme is healthy, so searching and finding that balance after all this time, can admittedly be difficult. So instead of grappling with those thoughts, I took a break and went outside and got some Vitamin D. And although it helped, I didn’t feel entirely complete. So I began writing, and although I am still really nervous and anxious about some unknowns right now, I feel better because I can acknowledge that I struggle with anxiety, I can acknowledge that I overthink, and I know I can stress myself out so much to the point where I feel sick, and despite knowing all of this, I still love myself. Those very pieces of me and my anxiety are the very pieces that make me, me, and the very pieces that so many others can relate to about themselves. When I jumped into this self-love journey, I knew it wouldn’t always be easy, I knew I would have a lot of days just like today, but I allow myself to feel how I feel, I don’t get mad at myself for it, I forgive myself and I try to smile anyway. Years ago, bad days would take me several days to recover from, but I have grown, and I am forever thankful for the me that I have become. There was a reason for my today, and although I do not yet know that reason, I will smile anyway and hope for a better tomorrow.
I can be a mess, my life can be a mess, but it helps me grow, and so being messy is one of my favorite parts of me.
What do you do that helps you feel better when you are really struggling and having a bad day? Love who you are, messy and all.
Be Beautifully Simply You