Walking away from you the first time was hard, I didn’t realize walking away from you the second time would be so liberating. The thought of seeing you again after a time of growth for me was nerve racking. I had made so much progress without you in a short 3 months, I had finally started to find some kind of self-worth and I had finally started seeing me for me, the me you robbed me of being. I was terrified of seeing you again, how would I react? Would I still have the same strength that I had embodied those past few months without you? My therapist and I talked about this moment for quite some time and she taught me the importance of power posing. When you stand in poses of power, it makes you feel just that, powerful. My power poses and my sense of power within myself allowed me to be stronger than I could have ever imagined when faced with my fears.
Homecoming 2017, my favorite weekend of every year. Just as the game was about to end, I thought I was in the clear, there was no sign of you. Immediatly after I had that thought, there you were and flashbacks filled of hurtful moments took over me. While carrying on casual conversation with my friends, you felt it was necessary to continually ask me what was wrong even though I was completely fine and proceed to tell me things you knew would probe me and make me upset and angry with you, and as the manipulative person you are, I shouldn’t have been surprised. You continued to dig away at me because you were used to me taking the abuse from you. You were used to seeing me cry. You were used to the fighting and the yelling, so starting an issue didn’t even phase you.
It was like I was a different person when I heard myself say to you “I don’t want to talk to you right now”. I almost couldn’t believe it. You kept talking and I kept telling you to stop, I kept saying over and over to leave me alone. Looking back at that day almost a year later, I am still a bit shocked that I stood up to you, but so very happy that I did. And I know you were shocked too because for once I stood up for myself and I walked away. I walked away even when you cornered me to talk to you, I walked away even when you called my name after me, I walked away even when you came after me, I walked away despite the tears running down my face. Tears full of anger and bad memories but tears also full of admiration of my strength. The old me would have turned around when you called my name, the old me would have let you talk to me and manipulate me, the old me would have let you ruin my favorite weekend. The new me showed you that you couldn’t win this time, that you no longer had power over me, and that I could make it in this world without you, I was stronger than you ever thought I could be.
I write this post because that day was the first day for me that I realized I was going to be okay, no matter what happened, I realized in that moment I could be so very strong and if I could walk away from the manipulation that held me in for 3 years, I could walk away from anything not good for me.
I truly believe that you can too. I came from rock bottom, I had no sense of worth and no self-esteem but taking away a negative peice in my life allowed me to grow and walk away from things not meant for me, not once, but twice. When the past comes knocking at your door, put the deadbolt on that door and keep it closed shut. Some people deserve to stay in our pasts, just as part of our experiences and memories that helped us to grow, and if allowed back into our future, growth could be stunted and views could be clouded. Closing the door on my past was the best decision I could have ever made.
The days and months following me walking away were not erased of pain because I recognized my happiness, but the days hurt a whole lot less because I knew I could do anything, I was unstoppable. You, my friend, are also unstoppable. If I could walk away and keep walking, I believe that anyone can, whether this is your first time walking away or your 100th, I truly believe we can finally put ourselves first, walk away from toxic relationships and walk into pure strength and happiness. We are so very capable when we put our minds to something.
You may walk away with tears streaming down your face, but hold your head high and smile that beautiful smile, because you, yes you, just did the unthinkable. Go you – I believed in you all along.
Be Beautifully Simply You